The things we do to one another

Consumers, copulators, calculators—and the freedom to love

Fr Thomas Hopko, of blessed memory, used to describe modern humanity with three rather uncomfortable words:
Consumers, copulators, and calculators. Not a particularly flattering description, is it?
Yet I suspect he was identifying something we might rather not see in ourselves.
We consume things. We seek pleasure. We calculate what things are worth, what they will cost, and what we might gain.
None of these activities is necessarily wrong. We must eat. Sexual union has its proper and blessed place.
And anyone who has attempted to manage a household without calculating the cost knows how quickly things can go awry!
The difficulty begins when these activities cease to serve Life and Love, and become the means by which we approach other human beings.
Perhaps most troubling of all, we can become so accustomed to thinking this way that we no longer recognize what we are doing.

Consider this….We see another person whom we find physically attractive. There is nothing inherently sinful in recognizing beauty.
God has made a beautiful world, and human beings are part of His creation. But what happens next?
Do we receive that beauty with gratitude, recognizing a fellow human being made in God’s image?
Or does our imagination begin to take possession? We may even dress up our thoughts in rather respectable language.
We are merely appreciating physical fitness, symmetry, proportion, and the remarkable construction of the human body!
Perhaps.
But sometimes we know perfectly well that we have wandered rather far from innocent appreciation.
The problem is not that another person is beautiful.
The problem is that we have begun to treat that person as something available for our private consumption.
Someone who has a life, hopes, fears, relationships, joys, and sorrows has become an object in our imagination.
And an object exists for our use.
We can do similarly in less obvious ways…

Consider the person who is homeless, perhaps living in a tent, a deteriorating trailer, or an expensive motel room.
We see someone smoking, drinking, or spending money on food we consider extravagant.
And the calculations begin. No wonder they’re poor! If I were in that position, I would…
Perhaps their decisions really have contributed to their difficulties.
Human beings make foolish and destructive choices. I have made more than a few myself!
But notice what has happened. We have reduced a human life to a calculation.
We know what they have purchased. We imagine we know what they ought to have done.
We believe we have established why they are suffering.
And having completed the calculation, we may feel relieved of any responsibility towards them.
Yet none of us knows the whole story of another person’s life.
And even when we do know that someone has acted wrongly, what has that to do with whether they remain our neighbour?
Jesus tells His disciples that when someone persistently refuses correction, they are to be treated as a Gentile or a tax collector (Matthew 18:17).
Some hear those words and conclude that the relationship is finished.
But what happens when we ask another question….How did Jesus treat Gentiles and tax collectors?
He called them. He spoke with them. He entered their homes. He offered mercy and called them to repentance.
He did not confuse love with approving everything they did.
Neither did He decide that their wrongdoing made them disposable.

There is another uncomfortable possibility. We can seek to possess people through our good works.
We give food, shelter, assistance, encouragement, or advice. All worthwhile…
But what happens when the recipient disappoints us? What if they are ungrateful?
What if they make the same mistakes again? What if they refuse our advice or return to destructive habits?
Do we begin to resent them because they have failed to become the person we expected them to be?
Have we given freely, or have we quietly established a transaction?
I helped you. Now you must change in the way I think you should.
Of course, love sometimes requires boundaries.
We are not called to enable theft, violence, manipulation, or behaviour that endangers others.
But boundaries and abandonment are not the same thing. Nor is accountability the opposite of mercy.

To love another person is to seek their good without claiming ownership of their response.
That can be extraordinarily difficult.
We do not manufacture our common humanity We frequently hear that we must build community.
There is some truth in that expression. Relationships need attention, patience, forgiveness, and work.
Yet I think we sometimes overlook the more fundamental reality.
We do not first create our common humanity. We must learn to recognize that we are one common humanity!
We are already members of one human family.
The person in the pew, the person behind the shop counter, the person sleeping in the ditch,
the person whose choices have caused suffering, and the person who thinks him/herself rather more sensible than everyone else all share the same human nature.
Each bears the image of God.
That image is not erased by poverty, sin, addiction, wealth, respectability, or foolishness.
But bearing God’s image is not the end of our calling.
We are invited to grow into His likeness.
We are called to become, by grace and our willing cooperation with the Holy Spirit, persons who love as God loves.
And that requires more than learning to behave respectably.

This requires the healing of the heart.
As Christ teaches: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21)
Not simply our emotions, but the heart as Scripture understands:
the deep centre of our being, where our desires, intentions, and decisions take shape.
For it’s not enough merely to change what we do.
By God’s grace, we must be changed in what/who we love, what/who we seek, and how we choose to live…
the transformation of the person from whom those thoughts, desires, and actions arise.

This brings us to the Holy Eucharist which is astonishing when considered in this Light.
Ordinarily, we consume food so that it may sustain our life. But at the Lord’s Table, Christ gives Himself to us.
He does not offer Himself so that we may possess Him, control Him, or put Him to our private use.
He gives Himself that we may have Life in Him.
And as we receive His Life, we are called to become more fully what He has created us to be.
People who give rather than grasp. People who bless rather than exploit.
People who recognize another person’s freedom rather than demanding control over them.
People who see their neighbour not as a commodity, a threat, an inconvenience, or a project, but as someone infinitely loved by God.
This is not simply a matter of becoming nicer people.
This is the healing and transformation of our very lives through communion with Christ.
None of this happens instantly. We stumble. We repent. We begin again.
We discover how easily we return to consuming, possessing, and calculating—even when we imagine ourselves to be doing something noble.
Yet Christ does not abandon His work in us.

Remember, the evil one seeks to possess-the Lord liberates.
Perhaps this gives us something to carry into the coming week.
God desires our freely given response.
He calls us to repentance and communion, not because He is incomplete without us, but because He loves us and desires our salvation.
We, on the other hand, so easily confuse another person’s good with our own need to be loved, appreciated, obeyed, or vindicated.
And that is where prayer becomes indispensable.
Not simply asking God to show us what to do, but asking Him to reveal what is happening within us as we encounter another person.
These are uncomfortable questions. Perhaps that discomfort is part of the prayer.

When I offer help, am I seeking another person’s good, or the satisfaction of being needed?
Am I giving freely, or quietly expecting gratitude?
When I call someone to repentance, is it because I desire their healing, or because their behaviour inconveniences me?
When I speak the truth, am I seeking to liberate, or to establish that I am right?
And perhaps the most searching question of all: Lord, what/who am I still trying to possess?

A prayer
Lord Jesus Christ, Enable me to receive Your love, for I cannot give what I refuse to receive.
Help me relinquish my imagined self-sufficiency and learn to receive everything, including my neighbour, as a gift rather than a possession.
When I look upon another person, teach me to see someone You love.
When I am tempted to possess, empower me to receive with thanksgiving.
When I am tempted to condemn, remind me of my own need of mercy.
When I offer help, reveal whether I am seeking another’s good or my own satisfaction.
When I must speak the truth, grant that I may speak in love without contempt.
When another refuses my love, preserve me from resentment.
And when I cannot see what Love requires, give me the humility to listen, the wisdom to discern, and the courage to act.
For You have loved us without needing to possess us, and have called us into the freedom of communion with You. Amen.